The Lay of the Land
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After today’s post, I will be on break until Friday, August 7.
To help me remember where we left off when I return, here is a quick survey of what’s happening in the United States right now.
These are real things that are actually happening.
Shit really is this crazy.
The President is escalating the unwinnable war with Iran he instigated because he believed a lie the war criminal in charge of Israel told him about Iran being two weeks away from developing nuclear weapons by allowing Saudi Arabia to develop nuclear weapons.
Like all important matters of state, this new initiative was announced on the President’s own social media platform, which features obnoxiously placed ads for obscure online dating apps, the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, the Israel Institute of Bible Studies, and Kevin Sorbo’s “God-given edema buster.”
The Senator who lobbied most vociferously to attack Iran, a member of what the son of the former President calls Washington’s “closeted gay Mafia, mostly Republican,” just kicked the bucket.
The Secretary of Defense, who fancies himself the “Secretary of War,” has spent $37.5 billion on the Iran “excursion” so far, and intends to spend another $95 billion. Some of that money will be used to ensure that our “warfighters” maximize their “lethality” by being possessed of “high T.”
In addition to his myriad other responsibilities—which include upping Iran’s “eye for an eye” policy with a muscular U.S. “head for an eye” policy; call it the “Clint Eastwood” school of diplomacy—the Secretary of State is low-key the viceroy of Venezuela.
The Senator who was the GOP’s longtime Majority Leader has been dead for 40 days, but his office refuses to admit it, because doing so would trigger a special election and threaten Republican control of the Senate.¹
That Senator’s Taiwan-born wife, who was a Cabinet member in the President’s first term, responded to her husband’s stated serious medical condition by flying off to China and redecorating their house. You know, as one does.
The Senator who represents, but does not live in, Alabama—whom the President’s lackey, the former Mayor of New York, tried to call during the insurrection for reasons never made clear; and whose most relevant work experience is a 2-2 record as college football coach in Egg Bowl play—thinks the Mayor of New York should go to “Gitmo” for denouncing the war criminal in charge of Israel.
In a city known for performative obsequiousness, the Speaker of the House is perhaps the most loyal, submissive, reliable supporter of the President. He is married to a woman who ran a gay conversation therapy center. When he was in his early twenties, he “adopted” a teenage boy. He would like us to believe that he is not part of Washington’s “closeted gay Mafia, mostly Republican,” or that the President’s knowledge of same is not the impetus for the performative obsequiousness.
Since suffering brain damage from a stroke, the Democratic Senator from Pennsylvania, the one who could pass as a Laestrygonian, has effectively gone MAGA.
The Secretary of Health & Human Services doesn’t believe in vaccines and has a skin color not known in nature, either from tanning-bed mishap or, perhaps, off-brand methylene blue.
The richest man in the world spent a few months in government, cutting “waste.” A prominent study estimates that “the current steep funding cuts could result in more than 14,051,750 (uncertainty interval 8,475,990-19,662,191) additional all-age deaths, including 4,537,157 (3,12,4796–5,910,791) in children younger than age 5 years, by 2030.” That’s about how many deaths the most brutal colonizer of all time, Leopold II of Belgium, caused in Africa.
The Acting Attorney General, who will likely lose the “Acting” part of his title any day now, claims he “loves” the President and that he is the President’s lawyer. His job at the Justice Department is to use DOJ resources to attack the President’s enemies, enrich the President and his cronies, and protect, at all costs, the serial child rapists who are named in the Epstein Files.
The President is one of the (alleged) serial child rapists named in the Epstein Files.
Speaking of alleged rapists, the two “manosphere influencer” brothers—whom the President got released from prison in Romania, where they were facing criminal charges for rape and sex trafficking, because they are bros with his sons—were indicted for rape and sex trafficking in Britain and are in custody in Miami, where they await extradition.
The “manosphere influencer” brothers were recently partying with the U.S. Special Representative for Trade, who is best known for being the model scout who imported the First Lady to New York and introduced her to the President.
The Treasury Secretary has taken a break from lying about the economy on cable news to move forward with the plan to have the U.S. Mint strike $1 gold-colored coins bearing the likeness of the President.
The Vice President thinks he knows more about Catholicism than the Pope.
Later this year, the FBI Director plans to visit his handlers counterparts in the Kremlin.
The President’s Oprichniki, ICE, is still on the street, terrorizing U.S. residents and executing innocent people, despite the change in leadership. This has been normalized.
Inflated by artificial optimism for AI and data centers, and buoyed by the UHNWIs who are its primary investors, the stock market is poised for a Black Tuesday-level crash.
Facing a likely trouncing at the polls in November, the President and his legal team are laying the groundwork to fuck with the election.
After the U.S. somehow managed to host a successful and fun World Cup, the President wouldn’t stop photobombing the picture of the winning team during the trophy ceremony.
The team edited him out of the picture.
Would that we could do the same.
And with that, I’m off to the beach.
Longtime readers will recall that every time I go on this sort of vacation, determined to turn off my phone and stay offline and avoid the news, something big goes down. I will not reveal where we’re going. But I will say it would be a particularly excellent place to be, if “it” happens this week…
PROGRAMMING NOTES
There will be no new Five 8 episodes tonight or next Friday. LB and I will return on August 7.
While I am away, I’m planning a little content surprise for PREVAIL. Stay tuned.
Have a great summer, guys!
Okay, fine, we can’t confirm this, but: PROVE ME WRONG.
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